It seriously feels so nice to finally have some “me time” back. And by that I of course mean smoking weed. I did for the first few months of my pregnancy because if I didn’t, I was throwing up and unable to function. Weed actually saved me. But I stopped after around 7 months. I started breastfeeding so I was afraid to smoke again. Every day was so boring. Every morning I would fantasize about how much better my maternity leave would be if I could just smoke. Well, after around 3 months my boyfriend decided he would be okay with it and bought me a bag of beautiful bud. Ever since then life has been a lot easier. I don’t feel like I need anti depressants, I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m still breastfeeding and everything is wonderful. He’s now almost 7 months old and he is smart, happy, and super healthy! We have the best morning routine ever. He lays down quietly and watches Disney movies with his toys, and I stand watch a good distance away and have my morning smoke. I get to clear my mind and come back to center. I feel happy and light. I’m so glad I started smoking again. I was depriving myself for no real reason. Worry, which is natural, but I’ve done enough research, talked to enough smoking mommies, to know that the right choice is what works for my family. And this works. Definitely :)
potandparenting I would love to talk to you sometime about breastfeeding and smoking. I too am a smoking mom and I’m so happy I finally let myself do it. But I don’t know many other mommies that do, so I don’t know much about it. Would love to chat sometime :)
I could just cry right now.
Its actually all I want to do right now.
But I can’t.
And I shouldn’t.
So I won’t.
But I want to.
He’s hurting me so badly.
And he doesn’t even get it.
Or he doesn’t even care.
As soon as I was falling in love,
He pulled it all back.
I miss him so much.
I miss how he used to be.
But I’ve been here before,
and I know how it ends.
So we are going to exhaust ourselves,
Until we can’t protect each other anymore.
Until we cannot be polite anymore.
I just don’t know how I did.
Calling him out on acting different?
So you act even more different,
While denying any change?
You can’t even admit your feelings are changing?
it’s such bullshit,
And it hurts so bad.
Why must I fuck everything up? I do this every time. I push everyone away. I’m so sorry. I act without thinking. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t, ive done the damage. And now you see me differently, and things will never go back to the way they were.
of looking into someones eyes and wanting to say “i love you”.
But insteaf you scream it in your head and just keep their gaze.
of knowing that no matter where you are, you can almost bet he is thinking about you.
of knowing youre never really alone, and that you might not ever have to face the world alone again.
When he moves your hair away from your face and rests his hand on your cheek.
Of thousands of butterflies dancing in your stomach.
I finally know these feelings.
I remember when I was this happy. I remember when someone made me feel this beautiful and secure. And we fell in love. Something this strong right from the beginning, I didn’t think i’d find it again. Just when I gave up searching, he found me. Giving me hope once more. A hope for something real, lasting, true. He looks at me with lovers eyes. Adoration in his cheeks. Is someone really looking at me this way again? Does someone really see me for what I deserve?
I’m hoping, begging, praying. oh Devil please don’t take this love away from me. You do it every time, I think you’ve taken enough.